Not all relationships can withstand the test of time. In human romantic relationships, couples hit a rough patch at around the seventh year, but what about relationships with places? When do expats start to feel the stress of living in a country that is n
Not all relationships can withstand the test of time. In human romantic relationships, couples hit a rough patch at around the seventh year, but what about relationships with places? When do expats start to feel the stress of living in a country that is not their own? Word on the street is that expats start to feel that particular “itch” to leave at around the three-year marker. Metropolitan invited expats in China to share when they felt the “itch” and how they decided to “make up” with their home away from home.
Many expats go through a period of wondering whether they should stay in China or leave at some point. Photo: IC
I had a five-year itch, and it took me a year to finally take action. During that year of suffering from the “expat itch,” I traveled a lot, both back home and in other Asian countries.
I began to re-evaluate my stay in China at the beginning of 2015, about six years after moving to China to live in Yangshuo, a relaxed county in the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region.
I was an English teacher there and later opened a café that served coffee and Belgian chocolate. I realized that I wanted more than a job teaching English, but I was unable to do what I really wanted to do, which is coaching people. So, I decided to leave China and start a new life back in Belgium.
Kathy De Leye 37, Belgian life coach and tai chi instructor, living in Shenzhen Photo:GlobalTimes
I returned to Yangshuo after Christmas to get my things and met my husband, who comes from Sichuan Province and lives in Shenzhen, Guangdong Province.
I could have never imagined that things would go this way. We fell in love.
Many of my friends have experienced a similar itch two to three years in. Many of them moved to another country, and some moved to a new city in China.
The number of years varies for everyone. But I do think that most expats go through a moment in their life where they think to themselves, should I stay or should I go?
It seems that there are a lot of factors at play: relationship pressures, career-related problems, missing home, limited access to the lifestyle one used to have back home and so on.
One of the most common factors is missing home. For me, I think about my family. My parents are getting older, and my cousins are having children. We don’t know what’s going on in each other’s lives well, and I feel I lost touch with them.
That’s why I think I will eventually leave. My husband and I plan to move to Europe in a couple of years.
Lane Luft Canadian, first grade teacher in Beijing Photo:GlobalTimes
“What have I done?” That was what I asked myself on my first day in China in 2012.
Born and raised in Canada, I stayed positive and eventually began to love and appreciate my exciting life in Beijing.
Now, four years later, I briefly consider moving back to Canada. I ask myself, “Am I bored or just content?”
The city has not changed. I have.
What is keeping me here still? What makes me a survivor? Do all expats experience the itch to leave? And if so, how often? I decided to speak with some other survivors.
Loneliness, challenges in adjusting to the culture, relationship drama and missing home are some of the factors that make expats re-evaluate their stay in China. Photo: IC
Jessica Peru , 35, moved here from Australia when she was 18. She spent her first three months “crying and hating it and wanting to go home.”
She made some friends and felt fine, but she left as planned. That was 17 years ago.
Now, she is back and works as a social activities administrator in Beijing. After being in China for six years since her last return, she is leaving again.
“I never stop re-evaluating my reasons for being here,” she said. “The people I meet here are more interesting, intelligent, diverse and open; they are what keeps me here.”
She feels that the average person gets the itch to leave after the first year, because that is when their employment contract would usually expire, and that based on her experience, “people either hate it or love it.”
Photo:Channel Partners Online
Amanda Hamilton, 40, has been in China for eight years.
“I got the itch once after two years and then again after three years, and I am not sure when the next one will happen,” she said.
For her, the freedom she enjoys here and a steady income are key motivating factors to stay.
Mike Elias 27, American, businessman, writer and editor in Beijing Photo:GlobalTimes
Zachary Ellis, 31, has been in Beijing for six years. He is a head teacher at an international school, in a long-term relationship and has a vibrant social life. For him, setbacks are mostly about family.
“The itch only occurs when I am missing out on important family events, like my young nephew’s birthday or not being there for a death in the family,” he said.
Ellis said he feels the itch is based on the term of one’s employment contract.
“If someone’s contract is a year, then that is when they make the decision, but many newbies do not make it past six months,” he explained.
The timing of the itch and the bug that causes it is different for everyone. For me, and for many others, it’s probably when the novelty wears off – when you forget how excited you were to be here.
That is when the adventurous types feel the need to seek more adventure. Maybe the term “three-year itch” is based on the amount of time it usually takes a person to become comfortable with something.
Photo:ideapit
My setbacks come more from personal relationships than from China itself – China only compounded it.
For the first few years of my time here, I relied on my girlfriend to do everything: go to the bank, hook up the WiFi, pay the electricity bill and so on. When we broke up, I didn’t know how to do these things. I had lived in a safe bubble for the first few years, and I seriously considered moving because I realized I had been here just for her.
But when I had the opportunity to move home, I realized I didn’t actually want to, and that’s when I started to have that “honeymoon” feeling about China, where everything seems new and exciting. I began trying things out in China. Strangely, this part happened three years in instead of when I first arrived. I became comfortable with the challenges and didn’t feel the need to go home. But once I had conquered these challenges, they became more of a nuisance than an adventure.
In 2016, I went to London, and everything was both exciting and easy. I started to ask myself, “Why am I still trying to get my kicks by killing myself in China?” I decided I was ready to live somewhere more convenient and easy, and when I started to feel this way, I knew I was really ready.
Photo: Japhub
From other expats, I have always heard about a five-year itch. They say that people tend to leave after about five years in China and that if they stay longer, it tends to be for a very long time. I know I don’t want to do that, but I do have a great affinity for this place, and I will be back.
I am one of the few expats who can say that they have been in China since the 1990s. Being here so long means that I had the opportunity to see China change in more ways than I can count and have experienced many things, both good and bad.
I’ve been hit with some huge setbacks over the years that almost made me give up and go back to the US. One such setback occurred in the early 2000s. I was living in the north in Chengde, Hebei Province, where I experienced a form of separation from almost everything Western for a long time. My Chinese was limited to about five sentences. I had no translator, and I started to feel incredibly lonely, cut off from everything and everyone.
Photo:Sanwen8
In those days, Skype was in its infancy. There was QQ, but no WeChat, and smartphones were just something out of science fiction. So, being a foreigner in China was hard.
It took me several months to start to feel at home. By spring my feelings toward the small city where I was known as “that big foreigner” had begun to change. My attitude changed, I had friends, and my language had improved. I was going to give up and head home at this point, but I am glad I didn’t. If I had, I would not have more adventures and stories to share.
I find that most foreigners live life abroad on what I call the “cultural roller coaster of life.”
You start off with the climb, which is an exciting time full of new things to see, do and experience. Then you get to the top where things become a bit redundant. Then there is the drop, which is the part that sometimes sends foreigners running home.
The drop is different for everyone. Some experience it for a few days or weeks, others for months. It is the hard times when you miss things from home. The little issues turn into bigger ones. If you survive the fall, the roller coaster will go back up again, and you might stay in China. Those who cannot survive the fall are the ones that give up and head home.
From one wondering adventurer to all of you reading this, live the life you fear, not the life that is safe.
Source:GlobalTimes
